Blowing doubt away.

http://threetrees-art.blogspot.com/2009/11/focus-focus-focus-and-then-focus.html

At the end of every fiscal year, there is always a time of panic... will God provide what we need this year? Even after nine years in ministry, depending on God, and watching Him provide for our budget without fail, my faith still wavers.

This year, because we have been disappointed and greiving, it has been that much harder to trust that God will come through for us in this area. It has also been a hard year for fundraising in general, with the recession catching up to us and our support base. BJ and I have struggled in prayer and in our minds, weary and frustrated.

Earlier in the year, I was praying and got an image of what we had left to raise, at that time $25,000, and God's breath blowing that number away. At first, I was excited and wanted to hold onto that picture, but also hold onto the ease at which our lack was blown away. As with many images or words from God, doubt crept in. Was that just my own imagination? Was that really a promise from God? And as we marched towards the end of our fiscal year and I wasn't seeing God blowing away our deficit, I really began to doubt.

Where was God's miraculous provision? We would hear stories of other staff receiving thousands of dollars in anonymous gifts, or people giving large gifts of $5,000 or $10,000. Why wasn't God doing that for us? Isn't that what the image was? Fundraising weighed heavy on us, and I wrestled with understanding if I heard the voice of God or not.

This June, and particularly the last few weeks of June, some sort of light has been breaking through clouds of anxiety and doubt. Everyday, we check to see if support has come in. Everyday, we see gifts appear. Friends, family, strangers... offering what they will to the ministry and our need. Everyday, chipping away the amount that is left to raise, and chipping away the fear that God will not come through for us.

We are very close now. With two days left, it really seems like all we need will come in. I was thinking about that image again, and wondering... did that actually happen? It doesn't feel like God blew it all away with one mighty breath. But then another thought quickly followed... many, many people have been blowing it away, slowly, surely, with the breath of God that is within them of generosity, caring, and sacrifice.


"But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding." Job 32:8